Tonight, it's all-access into an aspect of a man's life about which I'm sure you have nothing but questions. Tonight, we travel into the final frontier. We journey into parts unknown. Tonight, we step into a land of sticky floors, dirty smells and all 'round disgusting behaviours. Tonight, we enter the Men's Room, to learn more about what goes on behind the closed doors through which all of you have undoubtedly once wished you could pass.
In the interest of full disclosure, I promise to leave as little as possible to the imagination. Believe me friends, urine for a special bit of blogging tonight.
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When it comes to the Men’s Room, there are four main types of
'pee-ers' in the hierarchy.
1. Makes-the-floor-sticky-because-he-misses-the-urinal-guy
2. Thinks-he's-in-his-living-room-and-let's-one-rip-at-the-urinal-guy
3. Insecure-by-his-small-junk-so-sneaks-a-peak-at-the-junk-at-the-next-urinal-guy; and,
4. Middle-urinal-guy
All of them, I have a problem with.
The first, because Makes-the-floor-sticky-because-he-misses-the-urinal-guy embodies every possible element of disrespect. He's disrespectful of those who clean our public washrooms, but more importantly, he's disrespectful of those who follow in his footsteps at the porcelain potty. Quite frankly, stepping in pee is, well, unpleasant. It’s sticky. It’s smelly. It’s gross. I don’t get how it’s even possible to miss the mark when you’re standing so close to the target, unless you are purposefully aiming to shoot wide, in which case, ewww.
The second, Thinks-he's-in-his-living-room-and-let's-one-rip-at-the-urinal-guy, loses all perspective of good manners and common social decency when he enters the Men’s Room. He is not a guy that you ever want to find yourself standing next to at the loo; this fella figures that because nobody of the fairer sex is within hearing or smelling distance, he can let his bum-drum rumble to his little heart’s content. Newsflash friend – just because we drop trou at the same trough doesn’t make me more inclined to want to listen to you squeeze out a tune.
The third is a particularly irritating pee-er, the guy who looks down on other pee-ers to size himself up. My guess is that this guy wants to see where he stands in the, ahem, pecking order. Sad to report that whenever I’ve stood next to Insecure-by-his-small-junk-so-sneaks-a-peak-at-the-junk-at-the-next-urinal-guy, I have, much to my chagrin, probably fallen into a pecking order of my own, that pecking order being the Not-the-object-of-much-envy-at-the-urinal-guy!
Our fourth pee-ing friend is Middle-urinal-guy. This guy is perplexing, to say the least. He walks in to an empty Men’s Room with nothing but options before him, in the form of three empty urinals. He could choose left or right, but instead he saddles himself up smack-dab in the centre -- an equal opportunity pee-er, if you will -- earning himself the Middle-urinal-guy moniker. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with Middle-urinal-guy, until a fellow pee-er walks in that is. Put yourself in that man's sticky shoes.
General Men's Room decorum dictates that when two men walk in simultaneously, with three urinals before them, each will take a spot on the end so as to provide the pre-requisite buffer zone that prevents one, and maybe both pee-ers, from becoming one of our lesser-known pee-ers, namely, Gets-the-stagefright-and-can't-pee-at-the-public-urinal-guy. In any case, it's troublesome to walk into the Men's Room to find Middle-urinal-guy doing his thing right at centre stage. Whether you go left or right, you'll be standing shoulder to shoulder with some dude who probably chose the middle because he's really an Insecure-by-his-small-junk-so-sneaks-a-peak-at-the-junk-at-the-next-urinal-guy.
So there you have it, friends, the Men's Room hierarchy of pee-ers. It's nothing pretty, I know, but it's important to understand your place when you walk through those doors. And for the ladies, well, consider this post your how-to guide in case you should ever find yourself with only a Men's Room option in a time of dire need.
On that pleasant note, one final word of advice: You'll want to figure out how to do your business standing up, lest you wish to walk away with your back all wet!
Good luck!
13 comments:
Oh my goodness. And you men pass yourselves off as simple creatures!
It is said that all it takes to make a man happy is food, sex and a television set. (Not necessarily in that order)
And yet you present a complex, intricate set of urination rules and labels that I had no idea were in existence. I'd hate to hear all that is involved with deuce etiquette!
Hot Wife's Sis... can you believe this stuff?
Wow, the world of urination has been cloudy up t'il now. But the stream has been cleared and now there is no going back.
However, now, not unlike Jennine, I'm fascinated with the underbelly of masculine plumbing.
One question that remains unanswered, however, is: if there are four categories of pee-ers and Chubbs fits none of them, is there only four categories. And, can we place our favorite urinator in a fine porcelain box?
It's obvious that Chubbs thinks outside of the porcelain box.
You know, that little air freshener disc they place in the urinals looks alot like a hockey puck.
I'm guessing Chubbs qualifies for the category of "falling-on-the-puck"guy.
Someone said that men's room urinals are a lot like heaven, because it is where Peter hangs out.
LOL Bill. If that isn't a Bill-ism, I don't know what is.
Nicely done, I agree with your assessments completely. Next I'd like to see your expose on the anxiety of stadium troughs.
An interesting and informative post. I feel wiser leaving your blog....
Good on you, Chubbs. Good on you.
Jennine -- Many thanks for linking to me from your blog. Without question, urine my good books for that!
HWS -- There are four 'main' categories, but many others in the underbelly. I definitely fall into the Stage Fright category myself!
Bill -- I've read your wit over on Jennine's blog. Happy to have some it transferred over to mine! I'll be using that line myself, thank you very much!
Jeff -- I read you every day at View from the Cloud. Tx for checking things out over here.
If I knew the secret to Stadium Trough Anxiety, I'd go in there far less anxious than I usually do. But since I haven't figured it out yet, I've developped a fail-safe mechanism that requires me to wave people through until a stall opens up for me!
I'm sure have had a whole stream of visitors from my site puddling around yours. And now you'll have to get the urge to write more often since more and more people will feel the void when you only trickle out one post every few leaks. Er, I mean weeks.
Thank you Jennine for letting Chubbs know about our re-growing frustration. Hot wife's sis, we need you to urge him on with your one of your inspiring speeches. This trickle needs to stop!~Mother of Men.
See, Chubbs? I'm not the only one who thinks your a whiz. Blogging is your call of nature. Answer the call.
yes Chubbs ease our collective frustration or is it performance anxiety??? Too many onlookers? ~Mother of Men
Such big wit in such a small space...
Chubbs, you "gotogo gotogo gotogo right now" and blog!
Your fans are crossing their legs!
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